Liminal thoughts

If there is one thing wedding planning is making me realize, it’s that I’m taking another step into a space outside my nuclear family. I never felt that happening with so much clarity. Not when I moved out (and didn’t even come home for the weekends, *gasp*), or became completely financially dependent, not when I moved in with Beloved, or sold my house alone, not during the growing pains and fights of puberty. Not when severely depressed and feeling like no one in the world would ever care about me. But now.

Now that Beloved and I have made this decision (that has landed us with the largest amount of societal approval we had never expected  to gain), it feels as if I’m also burning a bridge. I’m taking a step that cannot be reversed and it’s a step away from the people who have been my Most Important People (MIPs) ever.  I can’t say it’s not a little scary, even though I won’t be alone. There is a new MIP for me. And he is crossing his own bridge and we’ll meet on the other side to start our bridge-burning bonfire together.

I suppose it’s no more than normal that in the liminal moment of becoming a new family, there is this massive pile of ritualistic organizing that needs to happen in which both my and Beloved’s MIPs need and want and deserve to be closely involved. Beloved and I have decided to a sort of ‘team leader-approach’ with our MIPs. It’s mostly a ‘communications manager-approach’, though, where we cc each other in e-mails or brief each other about conversations we’ve had and discuss our responses to anticipated questions and demands.

Anyway.. On Saturday, for the first time in a couple of months, I had a few hours to spend with my mom. She talked about finding a balance between letting us do what we wish while not wanting to appear disinterested, and saying what she thinks would work while not trying to prescribe anything. I talked about ‘owning’ things, and about how new it was to say no to them regarding matters in which I represent and protect Beloved’s interests and emotions. It was nice to be able to be so open and just directly explain that while I want to make them feel included and honored, they may get less of a say in what is happening that they were previously used to.

Certain decisions I explained to my mom by juxtaposing traditions from our culture with US ones, saying that sometimes we’d pick this country’s option, while choosing the other country’s tradition another time. Then, we’d abandon tradition altogether for the third item on the list.

This is why they’re more than welcome to help us with our large local reception (date as of yet unannounced) while his parents throw the smaller US reception in February. In defiance of both US and local customs, the father of the bride does not pay for the ceremony; Beloved and I will host everything on November 25. True to tradition, Beloved does not get to see my outfit until right before the ceremony (I’m planning to arrange a ‘first look’), but he (and the present family) will not come to pick me up at my parents’ house, if I can avoid it. I don’t think there will be any cake, let alone cutting it, either.

I’m proud that we’ve made it until 88 days before the wedding and no one has even come close to raising their voice about  any wedding planning. Except me, maybe, when I said YES!! when our photographer said that despite the problems at home, he could still come to ‘shoot’ our wedding. That’s different 🙂


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