On a completely different note – argument

It’s been a tough week. We’ve both been working ourselves to the bone, job-wise and life-wise.

When both of us are stressed and in a state of discomfort, we get less patient with one another. We know this, we’re aware of this and try hard to not take things out on one another, but it’s tough. I want to distract myself by doing fun things with him, he wants to turn inward and spend more time alone. I think this reflex is the biggest point of contention in our entire relationship.

We’re both introverts, but of different types. I don’t like large groups, loud gatherings and situations that require complex social interaction. However, I can spend (relatively) large amounts of time in the company of selected people (like Beloved). He, on the other hand, loves wild parties,  rowdyness and loud arguments with fifteen people at the same time. When he’s done with that, he wants to be entirely alone. We have different ideas of what ‘spending time together’  means. Me, I feel that it requires some dort of actual interaction. He feels that sharing the same space counts too.

Normally, we negotiate this difference pretty gracefully. If I make sure to spend time in a different room, and he takes care to occasionally drop by for a kiss, we’re good. If we have a very general schedule for the day to reserve solitary time and joint activities, we’re also good. When were both tired, stressed and grumpy and there is no schedule (or life changes the schedule) our needs drift further apart and things get somewhat less harmonious.

This week? Not so harmonious. We said some harsh words and felt like shit. We misinterpreted things and said things that were misinterpreted. We tried to be nice, but failed, tried to give in, but felt resentful. And yet, whenever we argue, it feels healthy. It may be frustrating, but it’s not destructive. It’s painful, but not damaging. We’re not perfect of course, but I can call him out on arguing to win, instead of arguing to solve the issue. And he can call me out on being unrealistically negative and making things ‘about me’  that never had anything to do with me to begin with. After the tension has been released, we also know how to negotiate to ensure both our needs are met.

I hate fighting with the Beloved, but when it happens it is a tremendous relief from all the other relationships arguments I’ve had with people who came before. Those were unbalanced, unfair, missed the heart of the matter and (in case of my previous relationship) regularly turned abusive. It may sound strange, but in part it is having had a a handful of arguments with the Beloved that lets me know we’re healthy and solid together. So, while the week may not have been very harmonious, it has convinced me even more that I should marry the man with whom I argue the way we do.


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